11 Toxic Phrases That Should Never Be In Our Inner Dialogue
You’ve probably experienced this curious phenomenon. In reality, we never stop having an inner dialogue through which we examine our internal and external world.
This inner dialogue is what lets us internalize and give meaning to what happens around us. And you can imagine how important it is in determining our emotional and mental health.
Even though it feels like these thoughts come and go, there is actually a constant interaction between them and how we act, how we feel and how we react to our environment.
As Epictetus would say, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Healthy Inner Dialogue, Healthy Life
We control our own destiny, feeling and acting according to our values and beliefs.
The emotions that are caused by these beliefs or thoughts coming from our inner dialogue indoctrinate us in such a way that they can powerfully distort our reality.
Some of these thoughts and beliefs that negatively affect our life include: the need for approval from others at any cost, how terrible we feel when we don’t get what we want or the belief that we can achieve happiness through inertia or inaction.
Here are some often heard phrases in our inner dialogue that we should never tell ourselves:
Don’t forget to read: Worthless Words that Aren’t Followed by Actions
1. “I Have To Be Successful At Everything I Do”
There is more to life than winners and losers. Polarized thoughts based on all or nothing are not healthy. Failure is often the basis for success.
2. “If I Fail At This, I’m A Failure”
Once again: making mistakes and failing are actions that often lead to success. It doesn’t make sense to think “If I make a mistake, I will fail.” You have to give yourself the opportunity and the right to do so, as this is what allows you to achieve what you set out to do.
3. “If I Don’t Get the Acceptance and Approval of Others, I Won’t Be Happy”
This is a commonly held belief. It’s important that we don’t feel rejected, but it’s not necessary or even possible to be accepted by everyone. It’s a reality that we have to live with and will help us accept ourselves.
4. “I Can’t Live Without You. I Need You To Be Happy”
This kind of thinking comes from a misconception about loving others and yourself. Love must be mutual, diverse and impartial, with no strings attached.
If love and dependence coexist, they destroy one another.
5. “If You Don’t Agree With Me, It’s Because You Don’t Like Me”
“No one sees my worth because I’m worthless.” “My personal value depends on what others think of me.” For most of us, criticism is a synonym of rejection.
As Emerson once said: “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”
6. “I Can’t Stand When Others Tell Me What To Do”
We obviously need to take responsibility for our actions, but we should not turn a blind eye when others offer advice or opinions.
Cooperating and collaborating doesn’t keep us from validating ourselves and strengthen our identity but rather helps us become better.
7. “I’m Not Good Enough”
“I can’t. It’s not worth trying, I’ll never be able to.” All we have to say to you is never forget a very important premise in life: If you believe you can more than you can’t, you’ll wind up being right.
That is, wanting is the same as being able to, the first step is to try again and again.
What you believe in determines how you’ll act, so much so that you end up confirming what you’re so afraid of happening, because you alone brought it about. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
8. “Don’t Trust Anyone, Always Be On Guard”
We don’t trust because we know people make mistakes, that we make mistakes, and we want to protect ourselves from making mistakes.
A healthy distrust probably makes sense in certain situations, but leave it behind when it is no longer necessary and only provokes damage. If we don’t keep this in mind, we’ll remain closed to others and stunt our personal growth.
9. “I’m Better Than Everyone Else”
No one is worth more than anyone else. Humility is the foundation of decency and honor. Feeling superior to others will lead to an arrogant attitude that isn’t at all desirable.
Socrates is one of the world’s most famous philosophers, known for the saying: “The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing.” Contradictory? Maybe not so much. It’s worth thinking about.
10. “I’m Useless”
Uselessness does not exist. By thinking this, or “I’m worthless”, the only thing we’ll achieve is loss of motivation and casting our ambitions and interests aside.
11. “I Don’t Deserve Love”
What we should say here is that we deserve the best.
Suffering is inevitable when someone distances themselves from us, but returning to a previous thought, the only true and authentic love is what is inside of us.
This will help us put aside our irrational need for affection, which is confused with the magical feeling of love.
All of the phrases that carry the subtle message of “should do,” “should be” or “have to be” definitively are potentially negative for us.
We can manage to avoid these thoughts in the following way:
Want to know more? Read How Negative Thoughts and Emotions Harm Your Body
- Accepting only proven and observed facts as reality. If we don’t do well at something one day it doesn’t mean we are useless. We do hundreds of things in our lives that prove we are useful.
- Accepting only as valid propositions those that come from logic, without contradiction. If we allow for contradiction, we’ll frustrate how we value our inner selves.
- Being flexible and disposed to change our own ideas with new information. People must adopt a flexible and tolerant way of thinking that helps us feel better without creating obstacles for ourselves.
- It’s not right to condemn or praise anything in absolute terms.
When we make categorical, “all or nothing” judgments, we are completely denying all of the world’s possibilities. That is, with the exception of our own reality. It’s wise to avoid words like all or nothing, everyone or no one, always or never.
- It’s unhealthy to judge with essential terms, but rather use terms for attitudes. It’s better to say “you’re acting crazy” than say “you’re crazy”.
- It’s important to think about things from a perspective of probability and not blind certainty. “It will probably be hard but I will try” is undeniably different from “I can’t do it, I will never be able to”.
You may realize you are distorting the truth but nevertheless can’t change your way of seeing.
Try to determine what factors influence this and always look for alternative perspectives, even when you are very certain of what you think. Look for solutions, question the evidence and contrast your predictions with reality.
If you feel like you can’t control how your thoughts affect you and are overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to consult a psychologist so you can get the support you need.
- Ellis, A. (2001). Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors: New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Prometheus Books.