A Breakup: You Didn’t Lose Anyone. They Lost You.

January 27, 2019
Loss and breakup are a sad reality of life. Learn how to cope with the sadness and always remember: Don't lose yourself just because you lost someone.

Learn how to change your perspective and realize what you really lost after a breakup. In other words, learn that you lost someone who didn’t know your worth.

No doubt at some point in your life you lost someone who meant a lot to you: a lover, a friend, a family member…

Today, we’re talking about what a painful emotional, not physical loss implies. A breakup with someone we love somehow ends up uprooting our lives. To put it another way, it’s a relationship that leaves us deeply wounded and full of questions.

A breakup is almost always a difficult experience. However, the hardest part about the end of a relationship, whatever kind it may be, is that it’s never easy to face it positively in a way that helps us in our personal growth.

After a breakup, it’s common for our self-esteem to start going downhill.

Many blame themselves for the end, thus starting a self-destructive spiral of thoughts and blame. Accordingly, they think things like: “I could have done something differently,” “I don’t deserve to be loved,” “I wasn’t good enough for that person…”

Let’s be clear: Overcoming the pain of an emotional loss implies controlling the kinds of thoughts that run through our minds.

There’s no worse enemy than ourselves. With an emotional loss such as a breakup, we sometimes even act as our own tormentors.

Nonetheless, that won’t work. Here are some simple, effective strategies for managing your emotions.

A Breakup: What You Lost and What Will Push You to Move Forward

People are more fragile than we think.

In our day-to-day life, we manage to put on a show of having it all together. This helps us think that we can do it all and that nothing can hurt us.

In certain times of our life, we actually believe that because we enjoy strong bonds with people we love. Close friendships, good family relationships and a happy romantic relationship give us wings, strength and optimism.

But, occasionally, all it takes is one loose link in this perfect chain for the whole thing to fall apart.

Suddenly, we get so overwhelmed by negative emotions that we shut down, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to respond.

Learn about: Men and Women: Two Different Cerebral Realities 

Our existential foundation seems to have crumbled under our feet, and we can’t stop thinking about the loss or about the person who has left us behind… And we don’t know why.

Don’t Beg for Love

girl hiding hear tears after a breakup

First of all, we must understand that all negative emotions, such as rage, despair, sadness or fear, have a purpose in our brain. They make us see reality for what it is in order to respond to the “danger”:

  • Negative feelings are instinctive and put us on the lookout for something: a reaction has to happen.
  • If it’s clear that they don’t love us anymore, nothing will be more destructive than continuing to beg for another chance.
  • A breakup hurts. It’s necessary to feel the sadness, cry it out and spend some time with our own thoughts.
  • Later, we’ll reach an acceptance of what happened and start moving forward.

Focusing on the past and what-if thoughts doesn’t do anything except make your despair chronic.

Discover: 5 Tips for Being Happy

They Lost You, Not the Other Way Around

You didn’t lose anyone; they lost you. Focusing on things this way isn’t a sign of being self-centered but of emotional strength. Remember:

  • If someone didn’t fit into your hopes and dreams, didn’t understand your worth or didn’t match your love, affection or kindness, then the one who has suffered a loss is that person, not you.
  • You can’t blame yourself for this loss.
  • Don’t shame yourself or beat yourself up; don’t think that you need to change in order to fit into that person’s plans.
  • Never lose your identity or what makes you great. If someone doesn’t like it, it’s that person’s problem; if someone doesn’t understand, that’s no reason to torture yourself.

Feed your self-love, take care of your self-esteem and don’t destroy your beautiful qualities that you worked so hard for just because someone couldn’t see them or because you didn’t fit the shape of that person’s heart.

Don’t Lose Yourself Just Because You Lost Someone

flower tattoo

It’s not worth losing yourself. It’s not healthy to stop loving yourself because someone has chosen to distance himself/herself when you were hoping for closeness.

  • If you choose to stop taking care of yourself or if you choose to distance yourself from your own heart, you’ll be a sad prisoner.
  • You’ll become prisoner of the person that told you no, closed the door on you and planted seeds of sadness in your mind.
  • Close this chapter and end the cycle of suffering.
  • Get out there and get to know yourself again.
  • Don’t look for a replacement love to make you feel better and make you forget.

The best thing to do in these cases is to spend some time to heal and to remember once again what makes you happy. Learn what you dream of and what matters to you.

What you lost no longer exists. It’s in the past. What you have coming is new joys and new hopes.

If you want it, it’s within your reach.

  • Perilloux, C., & Buss, D. M. (2008). Breaking up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600119
  • Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who am i without you? the influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209352250