Remember: You Didn’t Lose Anyone. They Lost You.
Learn how to change your perspective and realize that what you lost after your breakup was someone who didn’t know what they had.
No doubt at some point in your life you lost someone who meant a lot to you: a lover, a friend, a family member…
Today, we’re talking about emotional, not physical losses. This is about those breakups that somehow end up uprooting our lives. They are the relationships that leave us wounded and full of questions.
The hardest part about the end of a relationship, whatever kind it may be, is that it’s never easy to face it positively in a way that helps us in our personal growth.
After a breakup, it’s common for our self-esteem to start going downhill.
Many blame themselves for the end, thus starting a self-destructive spiral of thoughts and blame. They think things like: “I could have done something differently,” “I don’t deserve to be loved,” “I wasn’t good enough for that person…”
Let’s be clear: overcoming the pain of an emotional loss implies controlling the kinds of thoughts that run through our minds.
There’s no worse enemy than yourself. With emotional losses like a breakup, we sometimes even act as our own tormentors.
That won’t work. Here are some simple, effective strategies for managing your emotions.
What you lost, what you left behind, and what will push you to move forward
People are more fragile than we think.
In our day-to-day life, we manage to put on a show of having it all together. This helps us think that we can do it all, that nothing can hurt us.
In certain times of our life, we actually believe that because we enjoy strong bonds with people we love.
Close friendships, good family relationships, and a happy romantic relationship give us wings, strength, and optimism.
But occasionally, all it takes is one loose link in this perfect chain for the whole thing to fall apart.
Suddenly, we get so overwhelmed by negative emotions that we shut down, not knowing what to do, what to think, or how to respond.
Learn about: The differences between how men and women think
Our existential foundation seems to have crumbled under our feet and we can’t stop thinking about the loss, the breakup or about the person who has left us behind…and we don’t know why.
Don’t beg for love.
First of all, we must understand that all negative emotions, whether rage, despair, sadness, or fear, have a purpose in our brain. They make us see reality for what it is in order to respond to the “danger”:
- Negative feelings are instinctive and put us on the lookout for something: a reaction has to happen.
- If it’s clear that they don’t love us anymore, nothing is more destructive than continuing to beg for another chance.
- A breakup hurts. It’s necessary to feel the sadness, cry it out, and spend some time with our own thoughts.
- Later, we’ll reach an acceptance of what happened and start moving forward.
Focusing on the past and what-if’s doesn’t do anything except make your despair chronic.
Discover: 10 habits to give up to be happy
They lost you, not the other way around.
You didn’t lose anyone, they lost you. Focusing on things this way isn’t a sign of being self-centered, but of emotional strength. Remember:
- If a person didn’t fit into your hopes and dreams, if they didn’t understand your worth, if they didn’t match your love, your affection, your kindness, then the one who has suffered a loss is them, not you.
- You can’t blame yourself for this loss.
- Don’t shame yourself or beat yourself up; don’t think that you need to change in order to fit into their plans.
- Never lose your identity or what makes you great. If someone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem; if they don’t understand, that is no reason to torture yourself.
Feed your self-love, take care of your self-esteem, and don’t destroy your beautiful qualities that you worked so hard for just because someone else couldn’t see them or because you didn’t fit the shape of their heart.
Don’t lose yourself just because you lost someone.
It is not worth losing yourself. It’s not healthy to stop loving yourself because someone has chosen to distance themselves when you were hoping for closeness.
- If you choose to stop taking care of yourself or if you choose to distance yourself from your own heart, you will be a sad prisoner.
- You will become prisoner of the person that told you no and to that closed the door on you and planted seeds of sadness in your mind.
- Close this chapter and end the cycle of suffering.
- Get out there and get to know yourself again.
- Don’t look for a replacement love to make you feel better and make yourself forget.
The best thing to do in these cases is to spend some time to heal and to remember once again what makes you happy. Learn what you dream of and what matters to you.
What you lost no longer exists. It’s in the past. What you have coming are new joys and new hopes.
If you want it, it’s within your reach.
Images courtesy of Stasia Burrington
Principal image courtesy of wikiHow.com