Pornography: Is My Partner Not Attracted to Me Anymore?

In romantic relationships, when one person watches pornography, it sets off an alarm: lack of desire. Should be be worried by those who are in a relationship and watch pornography?
Pornography: Is My Partner Not Attracted to Me Anymore?
Bernardo Peña

Reviewed and approved by the psychologist Bernardo Peña.

Last update: 15 December, 2022

In romantic relationships, if only one member watches pornography, a red flag rises: lack of desire.

However, should we be worried about someone who’s in a relationship but still watches pornography?


What really is pornography?

watching pornography

When we think about pornography, the numerous online videos and photos, that we can find free or by paying, instantly comes to mind.

However, we can’t forget about the other kinds of materials that distribute this kind of content. We’re talking about magazines, and even written stories, that we can find with a simple search on the internet.

Pornography only has one objective: search for and obtain sexual pleasure. Desire grows through images and videos. The same thing happens when we read an erotic story where our imagination can also come into play.

Having said the above, pornography  has been relegated to private and individual use. People use it for masturbation and obtaining sexual satisfaction. However, not many people enjoy pornography together with their partner.

In fact, in many relationships, there are a lot of people who keep on watching it in the shadows, fearing their partner’s reaction. Why is that?

Jealousy, insecurities and belief systems in romantic relationships

Jealousy, insecurities and belief systems in romantic relationships

The “perfect” relationship that we all want, because we’ve been taught to believe as such, is the one where two people love each other, stay together and are faithful to each other in all senses.

We understand being “faithful to each other in all senses” as not looking at other peoplenot desiring anyone else, saying things like “I find that person very attractive” or watching pornography.

We all have eyes and just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you won’t find other people attractive. Finding others attractive doesn’t mean that you don’t desire your partner and, even less so, that you’ll leave him or her for another person. That’s an extreme idea to which we’ve become accustomed.

Jealously and insecurities in a relationship are a part of daily life. We believe that our partner is our possession and that we’re constantly in danger of losing him or her to another. This is why when our partner watches pornography, we ask ourselves if we’re not desirable anymore and what we can do to stop it from happening again.

Pornography doesn’t indicate any problem in a relationship, but it’s what we want to see because of our own insecurities and fears that we’re projecting onto our partner. They’re issues that we should resolve.

People don’t have to stop watching pornographic content just because they’re in a relationship. On a further note, a pair can watch it together. Enjoying it together will help a relationship much more than the pointless anger and blaming that rises from fears.

When does pornography become a problem?

Pornography can make the imagination go wild, strengthen desire in partners and enrich sexual relationships because you can never stop learning, especially about this topic.

However, pornographic content can be harmful if the situation is similar to those following below:

  • It’s excessive and has a dysfunctional use.
  • Content becomes a way to escape from relationship problems.
  • An addition forms, resulting in isolation and negative impacts on relationships with others.

In all of these situations, we need to ask for professional help. Everything in excess is negative and anything, as long as we can imagine it, can lead to an addiction.

However, if none of the previously mentioned examples are your case, watching pornography isn’t negative at all. Watching this kind of content can even help raise libido and spur on sex ideas.

Now’s the time to break up certain beliefs and taboos that surround pornography.

All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.

  • Muusses, L. D., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). Internet pornography and relationship quality: A longitudinal study of within and between partner effects of adjustment, sexual satisfaction and sexually explicit internet material among newly-weds. Computers in Human Behavior.
  • Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young Adult Women’s Reports of Their Male Romantic Partner’s Pornography Use as a Correlate of Their Self-Esteem, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction. Sex Roles.
  • Poulsen, F. O., Busby, D. M., & Galovan, A. M. (2013). Pornography use: Who uses it and how it is associated with couple outcomes. Journal of Sex Research.
  • Willoughby, B. J., Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., & Brown, C. C. (2016). Differences in Pornography Use Among Couples: Associations with Satisfaction, Stability, and Relationship Processes. Archives of Sexual Behavior.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.