Starting a Relationship with Someone who has Been Hurt
People who tend to be a savior often think that it's something positive. However, they rob people of the opportunity to face their problems alone.
Are you starting a relationship with someone who has been hurt or someone who still has a broken heart? There are some people who tend to turn into saviors or healers.
They’re attracted to people who need someone to reassemble them.
However, they’re often not conscious of the risk they’re taking in diving into a relationship with a person who has been hurt.
Often, this type of person needs to spend some time alone and overcome the pain themselves.
The savior complex
Having a saviour complex makes someone alert to any person who is hurt and in need of care.
Maybe this is a person who has been destroyed by a toxic relationship, a violent relationship, or has been humiliated… It’s someone who wasn’t loved as they deserved to be and who the savior welcomes in.
The savior may try to help heal their wounds and wait until they take that first small step forward.
Maybe you recognise this type of profile. If you have a saviour complex, maybe you’ll also recognise the following motives:
- Your parents couldn’t fulfil your basic needs as a child and didn’t give you the love and care your needed. To compensate for this, you give other people what you never had.
- You parents were very authoritative and aggressive, so you consider other more vulnerable and damaged people are possible perfect partners. You go for the opposite extreme.
- Since you were very young, you have lived trying to please other people. Now, you find yourself caring for someone and trying to do everything they could possibly need.
- Due to your fear of being alone, or of rejection, you believe that by trying to please and help people will make them want to be with you. You believe that by being the way you are, other people will return the favor in kind.
As you can see, the attitude of embracing a hurt person without giving them time to themselves to heal comes as a result of our own experiences.
However, what we often don’t realise when we start a relationship with someone who is hurt, is that the ones who will end up hurt will be ourselves.
When the hurt person is reborn
We could almost say that it’s inevitable that once that wounded person is healed, or reborn, they’ll continue as they were thanks to the care of that person who took them in.
However, what happens next? What happens is that the hurt person takes flight and abandons the person who took on their pain?
This leaves the ‘savior’ devastated. This is not just because of all they had done for the other person, but also because they may wonder: what’s left for them?
As well as having to pick up all their broken pieces, they have to recover their dignity. But above all, they have to face their deepest fears: being alone and feeling abandoned.
The most curious thing is that they will think that the other person is ungrateful. However, they won’t hesitate to grab the hand of the next hurt person they find and begin a new relationship.
Each person should “save” themselves
People who tend to be a savior often think that it’s something positive. However, they rob people of the opportunity to face their problems alone.
We can’t save everybody. This stops people from becoming stronger, from knowing that they can rebuilding themselves, and that they don’t need anyone to fight their battles for them.
Entering into a relationship with a hurt person is a huge risk. The risk that, once they’re better, they’ll leave. It’s a risk of caring for someone who may later become toxic.
We need to put on the brakes and not start a relationship with someone who is hurt, with someone who feels incomplete. To begin a healthy relationship, both people must have solved their previous issues themselves.
It’s this is not the case, the relationship will be doomed to fail. In the worst case, each party may end up more wounded than before.