The Love You have to Beg For Isn’t Love
Those who beg a partner for love know full well that their bond is no longer true, that the relationship is over. But they’re still trying to stoke the dying embers with the desperation and dreams of a second chance, even though all that comes from it is more suffering.
Something else to consider is that whoever makes the mistake of begging to be loved is putting the other person in a very dangerous position of power.
That is when you find yourself in an unequal relationship with potential for manipulation, blackmail, and even humiliation. The person who begs for love can lose sight of who they are, and when that happens it seriously damages your self-esteem.
These are important things to remember.
The love that begs and pleads is already lost
It’s not easy to admit that a relationship is over, that you’re living in a delusion, that the other person is already a thousand light years away and you’re just a lone, stray satellite.
Although your emotions might be well aware that the love is no longer there, denial is the defense mechanism that you use to hold on to hope. You live in an illusion, continuously feeding a love that isn’t real but that you can’t let go of.
What is really behind this kind of behavior? Why do we continue to ask for love when the other person has already said that it’s over?
See also “No one deserves your love more than you do“
We teach children the value of hard work and the need to fight for what they believe in and desire. Somehow, this struggle also gets associated with human relationships when in fact, the world of emotions doesn’t always work that way.
- No amount of struggle, self-humiliation, or demonstration of your unbridled passion for the other person will make them want you. The heart simply does not work that way.
- False hope is poison for those who refuse to face reality. Of course it isn’t easy to accept heartbreak, but when the other person has made it very clear that the feel nothing, it’s vital that you accept that.
Don’t miss “How love affects your health“
Acting differently in order to be loved
This is a tactic that many people use to beg for love and try to recover their lost loved one.
- They behave contrary to their values, putting on an act or image that isn’t theirs, in order to be more desirable…
All of this is a slow form of self-destruction that, in addition to humiliating yourself, can seriously affect your mental and emotional health. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap.
Delusion as a defense mechanism
One thing is clear: leaving a relationship means you have to rebuild your life, and that’s something that not everyone is ready for.
- This is why people sometimes use delusion as a defense mechanism. It becomes an emotional life raft to think perhaps “if I do this you’ll notice me again,” or “if they feel sorry for me they’ll love me again.”
All of this is very understandable behavior that after a few days should lead to gradual acceptance of reality. If it continues for several months, however, you could be doing great harm to yourself and your former partner.
The road to acceptance when love dies
When it’s time to deal with the end of a relationship or a lost love, everyone will react in their own way.
One thing to remember is that in order to reach acceptance, everyone will need to follow their own path to healing (seeking support, changing cities, taking up new hobbies, going on a vacation…)
Nevertheless, the following strategies are worthwhile to remember when it comes to caring for your own self-esteem.
- Everyone needs a reason. Relationships end for a reason and you have the right to know it. It will help you better be able to turn the page without feeding any false hopes or dreaming of a second chance.
- Goodbye should be face to face. Rejection, saying “we’ve come to the end of the road,” should always be done in person and never through a message or via a third party.
- Sincere words, although painful, can also be therapeutic. They must be firm and realistic: this is the end, there are no other chances.
- It’s time to think about yourself. When you beg for love though the reality is clear, you’re betraying yourself. You must proceed toward acceptance by passing through grieve in all of its phases. It’s essential to think about yourself and heal the emptiness, rejection, and absence.
The pain you feel now is made of the pieces of yourself that you’ll collect with dignity and rebuild again. It’s a difficult task that requires time, effort, and a lot of attention, but it will hurt less and less with time.
In the end, there will come a day when you’ll feel proud of yourself for not having done it – for not having begged for love.