If You Must Beg for Love Then It Isn’t Love

When you beg for love it’s easy to fall into a cycle of blackmail and manipulation where you forget who you are. Don’t get carried away with false hopes; you must accept the end of a relationship and learn to face the future.
If You Must Beg for Love Then It Isn’t Love
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 27 May, 2022

Those who beg a partner for love know full well that their bond is no longer true, that the relationship is over. But they’re still trying to stoke the dying embers with the desperation and dreams of a second chance, even though all they get is more suffering. Something else to consider is that whoever makes the mistake of begging to be loved is putting the other person in a very dangerous position of power.

That’s when you find yourself in an unequal relationship with potential for manipulation, blackmail, and even humiliation. If you beg for love, you can lose sight of who you are. When that happens, it seriously damages your self-esteem.

If you must beg for love, assume that love is already lost

An estranged couple.

It’s not easy to admit that a relationship is over; that you’re living in a delusion; that the other person is already a thousand light years away and you’re just a lone, stray satellite. Although you might be well aware that love is no longer there, denial is the defense mechanism you use to hold on to hope. You live in an illusion, continuously feeding a love that isn’t real but that you can’t let go of.

What’s really behind this kind of behavior? Why do we continue to beg for love when the other person has already said it’s over?

False hope

We teach children the value of hard work and the need to fight for what they believe in and desire. Somehow, this struggle also gets associated with human relationships. But the world of emotions doesn’t always work that way.

  • No amount of struggle, self-humiliation, or demonstration of your unbridled passion for the other person will make them want you. The heart simply does not work that way, nor is it healthy.
  • False hope is poison for those who refuse to face reality. Of course, it isn’t easy to accept heartbreak, but when the other person has made it very clear they feel nothing, it’s vital that you accept that.

Acting differently in order to be loved

Acting against your values, showing an image that doesn’t represent your true self in order to be more desirable, abandoning habits to assume others related to the desired being… All this is a form of slow self-destruction that besides humiliating us, can affect our mental and emotional health. Don’t fall into this mistake.

Delusion as a defense mechanism

A couple sitting in bed having a hard time talking about sex.
Everything related to sex has always been taboo. That’s why there are still couples who find it hard to talk about it.

One thing is clear: Leaving a relationship means you have to rebuild your life. That’s something that not everyone is ready for. This is why people sometimes use delusion as a defense mechanism. It becomes an emotional life raft to think perhaps “if I do this you’ll notice me again,” or “if they feel sorry for me they’ll love me again.”

All of this is very understandable behavior that after a few days should lead to gradual acceptance of reality. If it continues for several months, however, you could be doing great harm to yourself and your former partner.

The road to acceptance when love dies

When it’s time to deal with the end of a relationship or a lost love, everyone will react in their own way. One thing to remember is that in order to reach acceptance, everyone will need to follow their own path to healing (seeking support, changing cities, taking up new hobbies, going on a vacation…)

Nevertheless, it’s worth taking into account these strategies with which, above all, we can take care of our self-esteem.

  • Everyone needs a reason. Relationships end for a reason and you have the right to know it. It will help you turn the page without false hopes or dreams of a second chance.
  • Goodbye should be face to face. Rejection, saying “we’ve come to the end of the road,” should always happen in person and never through a message or via a third party.
  • Sincere words, although painful, can also be therapeutic. They must be firm and realistic: this is the end, there are no other chances.
  • It’s time to think about yourself. When you beg for love though the reality is clear, you’re betraying yourself. You must proceed toward acceptance by passing through grieve in all of its phases. It’s essential to think about yourself and heal the emptiness, rejection, and absence.

The pain you feel now is made of the pieces of yourself that you’ll collect with dignity and rebuild again. It’s a difficult task that requires time, effort, and a lot of attention, but it will hurt less and less with time.

All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.

  • Bauman, Z. (2012). Amor líquido: acerca de la fragilidad de los vínculos humanos. Fondo de Cultura económica.
  • Riso, W. (2007). Los límites del amor. RBA Coleccionables.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.