How to Start a Conversation About Your Sexual Desires

Important issues before talking about your sexual desires

The importance of sexual assertiveness

What is assertiveness?

According to an article entitled Assertiveness: A Theoretical and Empirical Analisis: “being assertive means being able to express oneself confidently without need to resort to passive or aggressive behaviors, and requires knowing how to listen to and respond to the needs of others without neglecting ones own interests or principles.”

When we’re assertive, then we’re assertive in every context. Therefore, if we’re not assertive sexually, then it’s very possible that we also lack assertiveness in other areas of our lives.

There’s something we can add to the above definition of assertiveness. And it’s that being assertive involves expressing oneself confidently, without fear, without doubt, and without seeking the approval of others. 

So, what’s the advantage of being assertive in our relationships?

• No more faking orgasms: This can happen when we’re not enjoying sex. It can also occur when we’re not interested in having sex but do so to appease our partners. In this latter case, we fake orgasms to get things over with as soon as possible.
• We can truly enjoy sex: By being assertive, we can tell our partners what our sexual desires are so that they don’t have to guess. In this sense, masturbation can be very helpful. It helps us get to know our own bodies and discover what we like and what we don’t.
• Improved communication: When we’re assertive, communication within the relationship improves. As a result, confidence goes up, and, in turn, so does wellbeing. Furthermore, starting a conversation about sexual desires allows us to try new things, which heightens our passion.

Questioning your beliefs

This also plays an important role when it comes to starting a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires. After all, very often, the sexual education we’ve received can cause us to feel ashamed or reluctant about expressing ourselves. For example, what we’ve learned about masturbation is often incorrect, or we may have been taught that sex is impure or sinful.

Our partners are individuals that we allow to access our intimacy. Having sex with someone that you can’t trust with your sexual desires will keep you from enjoying truly satisfying sex. Therefore, you need to resolve these two principle points.

Starting a conversation about your sexual desires

Now, if you’ve resolved the issue of assertiveness and personal beliefs… and perhaps you’ve even seen a psychologist to deal with self-esteem problems… then it’s the time to start a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires. Here are some points you should take into account:

• Choose the right moment: This should be a time when you are both relaxed so that both you and your partner will be willing to dialogue. For example, after dinner or at some other time when you can relax and converse.
• Get to the point: It’s best to be clear from the beginning when you want to have a conversation about your sexual desires. If you start talking in circles, you’ll partner won’t understand what you’re trying to say. Choose words that are clear and leave out any sort of reproach.
• Be natural: A conversation about your sexual desires should be no different than a conversation about anything else. Therefore, be natural. Whether you want to use sex toys, make foreplay longer, or introduce new techniques, express your desire to try something new.

Have you ever tried starting a conversation about sexual desires with your partner? How did it go? Were you able to express yourself, or were you embarrassed? 

Remember that seeking couples therapy or resolving your own personal issues may be necessary before you can have fruitful conversations. If you do, your relationship will be much healthier and more satisfying.