How to Start a Conversation About Your Sexual Desires

Would you like to talk to your partner about your sexual desires? If you're not sure how to go about it, today you'll discover several tips that can help you improve communication in your relationship and better express yourself.
How to Start a Conversation About Your Sexual Desires

Last update: 27 May, 2022

Why do we have such a hard time starting conversations about our sexual desires?

The answer is clear: Most of us haven’t received any education regarding how to communicate healthily with our partners. In the same way, no one’s taught us how to adequately express our emotions. As a result, we tend to repress them.

Learning how to talk about your sexual desires is a very important issue. However, given the deficits we just mentioned, there are several fundamental aspects we need to talk about first.

Important issues before talking about your sexual desires

The importance of sexual assertiveness

Partners talking while drinking coffee.
Assertiveness is an essential factor that favors communication between partners.

What is assertiveness?

According to an article entitled Assertiveness: A Theoretical and Empirical Analisis: “being assertive means being able to express oneself confidently without need to resort to passive or aggressive behaviors, and requires knowing how to listen to and respond to the needs of others without neglecting ones own interests or principles.”

When we’re assertive, then we’re assertive in every context. Therefore, if we’re not assertive sexually, then it’s very possible that we also lack assertiveness in other areas of our lives.

There’s something we can add to the above definition of assertiveness. And it’s that being assertive involves expressing oneself confidently, without fear, without doubt, and without seeking the approval of others. 

So, what’s the advantage of being assertive in our relationships?

  • No more faking orgasms: This can happen when we’re not enjoying sex. It can also occur when we’re not interested in having sex but do so to appease our partners. In this latter case, we fake orgasms to get things over with as soon as possible.
  • We can truly enjoy sex: By being assertive, we can tell our partners what our sexual desires are so that they don’t have to guess. In this sense, masturbation can be very helpful. It helps us get to know our own bodies and discover what we like and what we don’t.
  • Improved communication: When we’re assertive, communication within the relationship improves. As a result, confidence goes up, and, in turn, so does wellbeing. Furthermore, starting a conversation about sexual desires allows us to try new things, which heightens our passion.

Discover more:

Questioning your beliefs

This also plays an important role when it comes to starting a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires. After all, very often, the sexual education we’ve received can cause us to feel ashamed or reluctant about expressing ourselves. For example, what we’ve learned about masturbation is often incorrect, or we may have been taught that sex is impure or sinful.

Our partners are individuals that we allow to access our intimacy. Having sex with someone that you can’t trust with your sexual desires will keep you from enjoying truly satisfying sex. Therefore, you need to resolve these two principle points.

Starting a conversation about your sexual desires

Sexual desire between partners.
After evaluating all of the factors, a conversation between partners can be the key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.

Now, if you’ve resolved the issue of assertiveness and personal beliefs… and perhaps you’ve even seen a psychologist to deal with self-esteem problems… then it’s the time to start a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires. Here are some points you should take into account:

  • Choose the right moment: This should be a time when you are both relaxed so that both you and your partner will be willing to dialogue. For example, after dinner or at some other time when you can relax and converse.
  • Get to the point: It’s best to be clear from the beginning when you want to have a conversation about your sexual desires. If you start talking in circles, you’ll partner won’t understand what you’re trying to say. Choose words that are clear and leave out any sort of reproach.
  • Be natural: A conversation about your sexual desires should be no different than a conversation about anything else. Therefore, be natural. Whether you want to use sex toys, make foreplay longer, or introduce new techniques, express your desire to try something new.

Have you ever tried starting a conversation about sexual desires with your partner? How did it go? Were you able to express yourself, or were you embarrassed? 

Remember that seeking couples therapy or resolving your own personal issues may be necessary before you can have fruitful conversations. If you do, your relationship will be much healthier and more satisfying.

All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.

  • Álvarez de la Cruz, Caridad. (2010). Comunicación y sexualidad. Enfermería Global, (19) Recuperado en 06 de marzo de 2019, de
  • Ortega Rojas, J. (2012). El vínculo de pareja: Una posibilidad afectiva para crecer. Revista Electrónica Educare16.
  • Torres-Obregon, R., Onofre-Rodríguez, D. J., Sierra, J. C., Benavides-Torres, R. A., & Garza-Elizondo, M. E. (2017). Validación de la Sexual Assertiveness Scale en mujeres mexicanas. suma psicológica24(1), 34-41.
  • Villanueva Orozco, Gerardo Benjamín Tonatiuh, Rivera Aragón, Sofía, Díaz Loving, Rolando, & Reyes-Lagunes, Isabel. (2012). La comunicación en pareja: desarrollo y validación de escalas. Acta de investigación psicológica2(2), 728-748. Recuperado en 06 de marzo de 2019, de
  • González, L. G., & Kasparane, A. G. (2009). Asertividad: un análisis teórico-empírico. Enseñanza e investigación en psicología, 14(2), 403-425.
  • Montero, A. (2011). Educación sexual: un pilar fundamental en la sexualidad de la adolescencia. Revista médica de Chile, 139(10), 1249-1252.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.