The Reasons for a Distant Lover

August 6, 2019
Your partner has been acting more distant lately....Is something wrong? Was it something you did? Today, we'll give you some clues about the reasons why this kind of behavior occurs and what you can do if you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation.

Lately, you may have noticed that you have a distant lover (0r this is how you perceive them, at least).

Of course, it’s natural for you to worry about it. After all, this is uncomfortable and you’re probably not sure what’s going on.

However, keep in mind that it’s natural for people to be introspective at times. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship. Perhaps your partner is just having a hard time at work or is stressed out or has a lot on his or her mind.

Nevertheless, there may indeed be problems in your relationship and they should come out to solve them. Therefore, you may be afraid to take the sort of action that, instead of helping, will damage the relationship further because you’re anxious and fearful.

Today, we’d like to tell you what you can do if your lover is distant. This way, you might be able to find some healthy solutions together. It takes two to tango, but it helps if someone initiates the dance!

If Your Lover is Distant, Talk to Them

This is fundamental if you want to know what’s going on. First, you must understand what’s going on in their mind, so try to talk to them. Do this kindly, without attacking, criticizing or blaming.

However, note that there are people who, instead of negotiating, use distance, silence, and passivity as a way to deal with conflict. If this is the case, find a way to communicate that is healthy for both of you or consider going to couple’s therapy for a little help.

Suggest Going to Therapy

Three people having a conversation.
Couples therapy is a great way to strengthen communication.

For the most part, distance and conflict arise as a result of not being able to express what you’re feeling.

After talking with your lover, you may notice they’re not able to express what they truly feel or what they need or you ask what’s wrong and they say “nothing.” Then, perhaps you should both work it out through counseling. There are two types of therapy sessions.

  • Individual therapy: Here, you can work on your conflicts such as low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and insecurity. You can also work on any problems you may have managing your emotions.
  • Couple’s therapy: These sessions are for couples to talk to a third party and receive feedback on the way they talk to each other. This is meant to improve their style of communication.

Both members of a relationship must be willing to go to counseling for it to work. Otherwise, it’ll be a waste of your time as you won’t obtain the desired outcome.

Read also: The Best Tips to Let Go of People Who Don’t Love You

Work out Your Insecurities with a Distant Lover

A seemingly upset woman talking to a man.

It’s possible that none of the above is the case and your partner still loves you. Your insecurity is likely the issue here. Perhaps your self-esteem is low. You may live in fear of abandonment because of unhealthy psychological conditioning and codependence.

This is often the case when you’ve been in complicated relationships before or if you grew up in a toxic family environment. These harmful relationship models may have led you to be insecure and distrustful.

Fears and insecurities alone can harm a relationship. Keep in mind that, oftentimes, the problems are only in your mind. If this is the case, it’s a good idea to get emotional help to resolve them.

Consider therapy sessions with a psychologist who can help you work it out. They can help you pinpoint what is preventing you from having a healthy relationship so you can improve it.

Discover: How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Consider Ending the Relationship

After trying to talk to your distant lover and attending therapy, in some cases the conclusion may be that they don’t love you any more or they just don’t wish to continue the relationship for whatever reason. If so, it’s time to end it.

It takes two to tango, remember?

Remember: You can’t continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t wish to be in it. It doesn’t matter how much you still love them. Don’t beg; don’t make empty promises.

This isn’t a personal rejection, but an act of honesty. Some people are simply not meant to be together. Accept this and find some healthy ways to move on. It may be hard at first, but later you’ll be glad you’re no longer wasting time on something that’s not going anywhere.

Yes, this is a hard, difficult and painful situation. You’ll be uncomfortable and lonely and will have to mourn the loss. However, you’ll be happier to be in control of your life and your time.

It’s much better to feel lonely when you’re truly alone than to feel lonely with the person you’re with. Do seek therapy and fill your time with new, healthy experiences, hobbies, and friends.

No Matter What, Give Your Lover Space

As we mentioned above, fear and insecurity in a relationship may lead you to smother your partner as you attempt to get close to them. However, this is typically counterproductive.

As soon as you begin to act this way, your partner may retreat even farther. They’ll want more space while you long for the opposite, and it will only lead to resentment. This is why it’s so important to attend therapy to work out any insecurities you may have.

You must know that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. It’s crucial to express your feelings and emotions to your lover. Tell them what you need and let them do the same.

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