Promising to Change: Will it Get Your Relationship Back?

· April 26, 2017
In general, when someone promises they'll change just so you won't leave them, those are empty words. It may sound selfish, but you have to think about protecting yourself in this situation.

Have you ever promised to change in order to get a relationship back, or keep one? Has anyone ever done that to you?

This situation happens when you know a breakup is coming, but you refuse to accept it.

The strangest thing is that when someone promises to change, sometimes the best thing that could happen is that the relationship ends.

Why? Because these promises sometimes are an attempt to manipulate you.

Promising to change to avoid loss

Let’s say the person you’re with was unfaithful to you and once you find out, you make a clean break.

  • Your partner, out of desperation, tries anything they can to make you understand that it was a mistake, that will never happen again, that they will change. Promises pour out of his mouth in search of approval.
  • He falls to his knees even, if necessary, he begs, and all of this gets your feelings of pity and compassion going. Sometimes it works and you give him a second chance.

However, it’s not about changing but instead about being aware that no matter how many promises he makes, they’re being made in the heat of the moment. In other words, it’s simply an attempt to keep from losing you.

What does this mean? it means that the promise won’t last. In fact, the minute you give him a second chance, things may go right back to how they were.

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These promises to change come up in all kinds of situations: differences, lies, compatibility problems, breakups…

Facing something like that, the person who is afraid to lose their partner or is unwilling to accept when things go wrong in the relationship. They will try whatever it takes, and make promises full in an attempt to manipulate your emotions.

Selfishness in relationships

Oftentimes, we don’t want to see how bad things are going. We just focus on what we want, so we’re willing to sacrifice our health and theirs too.

This often happens as part of emotional dependency. You promise to change so you won’t lose the person who is the object of your addiction.

We’re selfish. We attach ourselves to someone while we feed our venom and bring the other into all of this.

You can’t promise something you’re not confident you can do. 

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Because promises are deceiving to both of you.

Your intentions might be good, but are you sure it will come to fruition? You don’t deserve this to go through this again. You don’t deserve to be lied to nor to lie to them.

Prolonging the pain

Promising to change may just prolong a situation that will end up causing you even more pain.

That’s why it’s important to not get carried away, but instead be objective and realistic. It’s hard, but why not heed the advice from trusted friends or family members.Don’t dismiss their advice simply because it isn’t what you want to hear.

You don’t want to hear what they have to say because you’re confused. But over time you’ll get more perspective on the situations and realize how right they were.

Don’t hang on to those promises that will never become reality.

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Let’s open our eyes to these traps and not let ourselves be carried away by compassion and pity. Take some time alone to reflection the situation.

No one is saying you have to decide right now. Give yourself the time you need to see the situation from a more clear and precise perspective.


Illustrations: Paula Bonet

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