What to Do if Your Lover Disappears from Time to Time

April 22, 2019
If your lover disappears and then calls again a few days, weeks, or months later as if nothing had happened, it's up to you to figure out what their behavior is expressing when they act like this so you can decide how to handle it.

Suppose you’re in a relationship and, unexpectedly, your lover disappears. Then, a few days later, they call you nonchalantly, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened.

You’re probably relieved to hear from them after all of the tragic stories that crossed your mind. However, now you’re also highly confused, angry and disappointed.

No matter what the case, you must find the positive side of this experience and learn from these circumstances, a phenomenon that has been called “ghosting.” After all, not everyone commits to a relationship to the same degree. Thus, the key is to prioritize your personal needs and principles first and then adapt to others. You must have a proper dialogue and reach an agreement together, if possible.

So, your partner disappeared out of the blue and now they’re calling you back as if nothing ever happened. What attitude should you take?

When Your Lover Disappears for the First Time

A woman thinking.

There are people who are great with their significant other some days, but then they act as if these were strangers. These are typically selfish people who just leave without notice and avoid any kind of contact at their own whim.

However, this may only happen because the other person allows it and accepts it.

First of all, you have to make sure they weren’t involved in an accident or any situation in which they had no control. Once this is clear, there are some proper ways to react.

1. Don’t Show Anxiety

When they finally report back, you don’t have to talk to them immediately. Instead, try to delay communication.

At no time should you encourage the notion that you have nothing better to do than to be there whenever they need you to be.

2. Talk about it Calmly

It’s important to be in control of your emotions and not express disapproval or disappointment. Instead, act calmly and be content about your life and occupations. The time they disappear may be better spent strengthening your other relationships.

Act naturally. A simple “How have you been?” tones down your behavior. There’ll be time later to delve into the details.

3. Have a Sincere Dialogue

If you agree to meet, take advantage of that opportunity to talk about their sudden disappearance. That way, you can analyze not only their words, but also their body language. In fact, gestures and movements say a lot more than words.

Be open to mature and assertive communication. Look into their eyes and talk about your expectations of your relationship with your lover.

Your reaction will be important for any future decisions. If they apologize and show remorse, then perhaps you can give them a second chance based on a new mutual contract. However, if they downplay their disappearance and try to gaslight you by saying that you’re overreacting, then it’s time to end that relationship.

If Your Lover Disappears Repeatedly

Despite their begging and making all sorts of promises, they may disappear repeatedly. If you get to this point, it seems your lover thinks you’re a doormat, so it’s time to dissolve the relationship. This is definitely a person who fears compromise or has an ego so high that they can only think of themselves.

Your best option here is to end the vicious circle that hurts you more every time. You must give yourself the value you deserve, because it’s clear this other person won’t. After all, they’ve already demonstrated that they can continue with their life without showing respect for the feelings of another person.

Yes, it’s difficult to end a relationship when you truly like someone. However, it’s a whole lot healthier in the long run.

Also read: Nurture Relationships: Stop Giving to Those Who Can’t Return

Why Do People Disappear?

A woman looking out through the car window.

Their reasons may vary, but in all cases, it’s easy to conclude that they’re not too interested in their relationship with you. Otherwise, they would, at least, reply to your messages or call you back.

On this note, the most common causes could be:

  • Narcissistic tendencies. Many people are often too preoccupied with their own image and emotions. Therefore, they don’t think of the consequences of their actions and don’t show any interest in others. That which they hate when looking at their reflection in the mirror of a relationship – their own weaknesses – make them want to escape for a while.
  • Parallel relationships. Infidelity is likely when your lover disappears. Those days during which they disconnect might be spent with another person.
  • They don’t know how to end it. They may be tired or bored with your relationship and don’t have the ability to go ahead and honestly end it. Some people are afraid to be alone, and this keeps them from being honest about their emotions. Others just wait for their partners to get tired and leave.

Also read: 8 Things Lasting Relationships Have in Common


If your partner disappears without reason and calls you only when they feel like it, then they most likely don’t care too much about you. For this reason, it might be best to put an end to your relationship with them and look forward to a truly loving partner who treats you better.

  • González Vélez, M., Vázquez Aguado, O., & Álvarez Pérez, P. (2013). El análisis de la resilencia en personas que constituyen parejas mixtas en Andalucía. Cuadernos de Trabajo Social. https://doi.org/10.5209/rev_CUTS.2013.v26.n2.41474
  • Montesinos-Guerrero, M. del R., Madrigal-de León, H. G., & Avilés, A. G.-P. (2015). Percepción de apoyo en la pareja reconstituida: el camino al ensamblaje. Atención Familiar. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1405-8871(16)30048-7
  • CACERES, J. (1992). ESTUDIO EXPERIMENTAL DE LA INTERACCION EN LA PAREJA. An�lisis y Modificaci�n de Conducta.