What to Do if Your Lover Ghosts You

If your lover ghosts you and then returns, a few days later, as if nothing had happened, take it as a big red flag and don't settle for any excuses. Find out how to do so in the following article.
What to Do if Your Lover Ghosts You
Isbelia Esther Farías López

Written and verified by the philosopher Isbelia Esther Farías López.

Last update: 15 August, 2022

It can be strange and painful when a lover ghosts you. Ghosting is when someone you’re romantically involved with or interested in suddenly disappears completely. However, sometimes it’s possible that after a few days, they call or message you back nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened at all. Although at first you might feel relieved, it actually causes a strong damaging impact on your body and soul.

You probably ran every single possible scenario through your head and yet, you still don’t understand what’s happened. Why did they do that? Should you forgive them? Remember, that at the end of the day, you need stability and not this kind of unnecessary drama.

However, there are various things you should keep in mind. Let’s dig in deeper into this phenomenon.

How should you react to this situation?

Good communication is essential when you confront this situation. However, it’s without saying you’ll need to step up since they’ve already proven they’re incapable of this skill. Keep a calm attitude of respect and understanding, and calmly ask for the answers you need if they’re willing to talk.

Don’t wait for the perfect moment to do so. Instead, you should face the situation as soon as they make contact again. Otherwise, it can make them think it’s fine to do it again in the future.

When your lover ghosts you the first time

A woman thinking.

Sometimes things seem to be going great, the other person seems so interested in you and they’re constantly messaging you, wanting to hang out, you really think they might be the one. However, suddenly, one day they just stop – you message them and no response. This action can cause extreme confusion and pain. Self deprecating thoughts like “What did I do wrong?” will run through your mind.

There are times when this person will disappear forever, but sometimes, they return with a text or call, which can be even more confusing. It’s natural you feel angry, but it’s important not to confront them aggressively or demand explanations. This can make things worse for you in the end.

You might decide not to engage and that’s perfectly okay. However, you might also want some closure, so it’s best to show a receptive and critical attitude. You can be open to dialogue without being complacent. It’s very important you’re in control of your own emotions and calmly navigate the conversation if they deny responsibility or try to gaslight you in order to avoid an argument.

A simple “How’s it been?” is a good starting point to begin to understand what is going through their mind and see if there’s anything you can do to help.

If you agree to meet, take advantage of that opportunity to talk about their sudden disappearance. That way, you can analyze not just their words, but also their body language. In fact, gestures and movements say a lot more than words.

Their reaction is important in order for you to make a decision. If they apologize and show remorse, then perhaps you can give them a second chance based on a new mutual contract. However, if they downplay their disappearance and try to gaslight you by saying that you’re overreacting, then it’s time to end it.

If your lover ghosts your repeatedly

Despite begging and making all sorts of promises, they may disappear repeatedly. If you get to this point, it seems your lover thinks you’re a doormat, so it’s time to dissolve the relationship. This is definitely a person who fears compromise or has an ego so high that they can only think of themselves. Sure, they might genuinely be afraid, but they should be able to talk to you about it instead of fleeing.

Yes, it’s difficult when you think you’re in love, but it’s the healthiest thing to do in the long run. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship, without toxicity and where you both feel loved and respected. Never accept less than you are worth.

Why did they ghost me?

A woman looking out through the car window.

The reasons may vary, but in all cases, it’s easy to conclude they’re not too interested in their relationship with you. Otherwise, they would, at least, reply to your messages or call you back.

On this note, the most common causes could be:

  • Narcissistic tendencies: many people are often too preoccupied with their own image and emotions. Therefore, they don’t think of the consequences of their own actions and don’t show any interest in others. If this is the case, the best thing to do is to get away from this person quickly, because you’ll never be their priority.
  • Parallel relationships: infidelity is likely when your lover disappears. Those days when they disconnect might be spent with another person who doesn’t know you exist and probably goes through the same thing when your lover is with you.
  • They don’t know how to end it: they may be tired or bored with your relationship and don’t have the ability to go ahead and honestly end it. Some people are afraid to be alone, and this keeps them from being honest about their emotions. Others just wait for their partners to get tired and leave. This is a big sign of immaturity.

If your lover ghosts you without reason and calls you only when they feel like it, then they most likely don’t care too much about you. For this reason, it might be best to put an end to your relationship with them and look forward to a truly loving partner who treats you better.

A breakup can be very positive for you in the long run. Have respect for yourself and your dignity as a person: anyone who truly loves you will never put you through this.


All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.


  • González Vélez, M., Vázquez Aguado, O., & Álvarez Pérez, P. (2013). El análisis de la resiliencia en personas que constituyen parejas mixtas en Andalucía. Cuadernos de Trabajo Social. https://doi.org/10.5209/rev_CUTS.2013.v26.n2.41474
  • Montesinos-Guerrero, M. del R., Madrigal-de León, H. G., & Avilés, A. G.-P. (2015). Percepción de apoyo en la pareja reconstituida: el camino al ensamblaje. Atención Familiar. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1405-8871(16)30048-7
  • Cáceres, J.(1992). Estudio experimental de la interacción en la pareja. Análisis y modificación de conducta18(59), 413-443.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.