Does Your Partner Love You or Use You?

08 March, 2019
When you start wondering if your partner actually loves you or is just using you, all of your alarms should go off because something's not right.

Does your partner love you or use you? Sometimes, how we feel about love makes it difficult to understand what it clearly is, causing some relationships to turn toxic.

Someone who believes that love is depending on their partner, can’t be happy and will use their partner is certain ways. For example, he or she’ll use manipulation in order to keep their partner at their side.

Read: Emotional Manipulation: Recognizing and Avoiding It

The line that separates loving from using the other in order to get love (or something else) can be very thin at times. You should be conscious of what’s going on.

Does your partner love you or are they using you for love?

does your partner love you or are they using you?

As we’ve mentioned before, your partner could be using you in order to get love. By being manipulative, he or she can make you satisfy the needs that they think anybody who loves should meet.

This usually occurs when there’s a strong emotional dependence. Your partner could be dependent, meaning that his or her happiness depends on you. As a result, in order to make your partner happy, you would need to do all of the things that they see as necessary.

For example, if your partner thinks that you always have to do everything together, when you ask for a little independence, a trigger will go off. It could be in any way:

  • Scolding
  • Bringing back past problems to throw them in your face
  • Excessive crying or dramatizing the situation
  • Using the “You don’t love me anymore”

A childhood full of painful experiences, bad role models, previously established, erroneous beliefs about love and being afraid of being alone could be some of the causes of this kind of behavior.

Discover: 7 Building Blocks of Successful Relationships

What can you do in this kind of situation? There’s no question about it: if you’ve asked yourself if your partner uses you and the answer seems to be yes, you have to ask for help.

A professional can help your partner go back to the circumstances that taught them this harmful way of loving. Together, you can then grow with this experience and march forward into a much healthier relationship.

My partner isn’t loving, me but hurting me

man screaming at his partner

If the answer to the question about if your partner loves you or uses you doesn’t correspond to the previous point, you might have to poke around to see if there are other reasons behind it.

There are people who don’t know how to love or, sometimes, they do it in a harmful way without being aware of it. These people use others as if they were objects.

A person who mistreats their partner, for example, may want to feel superior or authoritative in addition to wanting to use power and enjoy the sensation of someone in submission. It’s a harmful behavior that undercuts the self-esteem and integrity of the other person.

In the case of mistreatment, regardless of whether it’s physical or psychological, it’s the relationship that’s void of love. That needs to be clear.

The person who mistreats the other doesn’t know how to love, which is why he or she may confuse it with actions that have nothing to do with love.

In these circumstances, you have to try to get out of that relationship and ask for help. It might be scary sometimes, and that’s normal. However, there is a lot of support you can find.

Loveless relationships

a woman looking at her partner, with him looking away, representing a loveless relationship

When you ask yourself if your partner loves you or is using you, that should already be a red flag. If everything is fine, this question wouldn’t come across your mind.

What kind of relationship do you have and why? Are you with someone who needs you today but not tomorrow? Are you with someone who tells you “I love you”, but hits you the next day?

A lot of times, we can obsess over the idea of “Does he or she love me or use me?” However, we also should be asking ourselves what are we doing in the relationship?

Staying in a situation that raises doubts is our responsibility. Let’s not forget that we always have the power to decide if we want to or don’t want to perpetuate it.

If you don’t feel good in a relationship, the question of whether your partner loves you or is using you is meaningless. Your gut feeling is usually right. Make it a priority.

  • VV.AA. (2013).Relaciones Tóxicas de pareja.