36 Questions to Fall in Love or Establish Intimacy

October 30, 2018
Sometimes, you don’t need 36 questions to fall in love. Sometimes, all it takes is a look or a touch; while other times it may take years to recognize one's feelings for another person.

Everyone knows that one of the keys for falling in love with someone is having a mutual and intimate space together. In today’s article, we will discuss Arthur Aron’s “36 questions to fall in love”, or at least that can help achieve that intimacy in a short time. Find out more here!

Achieving a bond of trust and togetherness with another person can generate intense, almost magical emotions that can lead to a great love.

You know that sometimes the attraction between two people is beyond logic or reason.

But there are still countless studies being done to try to find out how that chemistry actually works. They strive to explain the strange behaviors and impulses that compel people to come together as a couple, creating feelings so strong that they can last for months, years, and even a lifetime.

The 36 Questions to Fall in Love

In 1996, Arthur Aron, a social psychologist at the Interpersonal Relations Department of the University of Stony Brook, New York, conducted an interesting experiment in his lab.

His objective was to find out how the variables that can establish a strong and intimate bond between two strangers actually worked, by using a series of questions.

At first, Aron’s work wasn’t trying to make two people fall in love. His objective was purely academic, and he conducted it in a clinical laboratory environment.

Nevertheless, The New York Times published his study anew in January 2015, through an essay written by another academic, Mandy Len Catron.

The motivation? According to Catron, through the “36 questions to fall in love” that Professor Aron had devised to study the bonds of intimacy between two people, it was actually possible to actually fall in love.

She had repeated his study and had evidence that the results were true. We’re sure that today’s article will interest you, so keep reading to find out how these questions work.

Personal and emotional intimacy by Arthur Aron

36 Questions to Fall in Love
Let’s begin by clarifying a few issues. The questions you’re about to read go into very intimate and personal detail. In fact, it’s likely that a lot of people in long-term relationships have never stopped to consider more than a few of the issues that are raised here.

“The 36 questions to fall in love” can be sorted into three sets. If you’re going to try this with a stranger, go slowly and try the first set of questions with us to see how it’s going.

If you start to feel any discomfort, it’s best to stop the line of questioning. However, if you feel that a certain level of trust is being created and you feel comfortable enough to continue on, go ahead. The experience alone is worth it.

We should also mention that if you’re currently in a relationship it might be interesting to turn to this test. While it may take you longer than an hour to complete, we’re sure that you’ll find it beneficial.

Far from being a simple game of questions, each one probes you, touches you deeply and turns you around. Your fears and personal needs, flaws and virtues will come to light along with those voices that are typically very quiet or hidden, but which show who you truly are.

We encourage you to go through these “36 questions to fall in love” with anyone, even if you’re not looking to fall in love just yet.

As you answer them, you bare yourself to someone you will come to regard as an equal, who will know and understand you, and you’ll see your soul reflected in their eyes.

How to carry on this experiment?

Pay attention to how you should do this:

  • Choose a quiet place
  • Read each question aloud. Both parties must answer each question before moving on.
  • Both partners should have visual contact with each other the entire time.
  • There are three sets of questions. Take a break at the end of each set, and decide when you’re ready to proceed to the next one.

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The first set of questions

  • If you could choose anyone in the world, who would you invite over for dinner?
  • Would you want to be famous? Famous for what?
  • Before making a phone call, do you rehearse what you’re going to say? Why or why not?
  • Describe a “perfect” day for you.
  • When was the last time you sang for yourself? When was the last time you sang for someone else?
  • If you were able to live to be 90 years old, which would you prefer: Having a sound mind, or having the body of a 30-year-old?
  • Do you think you know how you’re going to die?
  • Name three things you want to have in common with your partner.
  • What thing in your life are you the most thankful for?
  • If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  • Share the story of your life in four minutes.
  • If you could wake up tomorrow and have gained some quality or ability, what would it be?

The second set of questions

3 groups of questions can help you gain intimacy with anyone

  • If you could ask a crystal ball one question about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  • Is there something that you’ve ever wanted to do for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  • What is your life’s greatest accomplishment?
  • What do you value most in a friendship?
  • Can you share your most treasured memory?
  • What is your most terrible memory?
  • If you suddenly learned you were going to die within a year, would you change anything about how you live now? Why?
  • What does friendship mean to you?
  • What roles do love and sorrow play in your life?
  • Describe five things you look for in a partner.
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family? Do you feel like you had a happier childhood than most people?
  • How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

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The third set of questions

  • Make three true statements using the word “we.” For example: “We are asking each other questions;” “We are both calm…”
  • Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone to share…”
  • If you were to suddenly become your partner’s close friend instead of the lover, share the most important thing you would want them to know.
  • Tell the person across from you what you like about him or her.
  • Describe an embarrassing moment in your life.
  • When was the last time you cried in front of someone else? And alone?
  • Describe what you like about the friends you have now.
  • What, if anything, do you consider too serious an issue to joke about?
  • If you were to die tonight without the opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having said? Why haven’t you said it yet?
  • Your house, along with everything in it, catches fire. Once you’ve saved your loved ones and pets, you have time to go back in and rescue one last thing. What would it be? Why?
  • Of all the people in your family, whose death would affect you the most. Why?
  • Share a personal problem and ask the person opposite you for advice, to find out how they would handle the situation themselves.
Falling in love is often an unpredictable and ilogical thing

In conclusion…

Finally, the body of research on human relationships and emotions is always fascinating. But never forget that sometimes, 36 questions to fall in love aren’t enough.

That’s because love doesn’t listen to reason or explanations. Sometimes all it takes is a look, and other times it may take years to realize that you love someone. Nevertheless, love is always an adventure that’s worth experiencing.

  • Aron, A., Paris, M., & Aron, E. N. (1995). Falling in Love: Prospective Studies of Self-Concept Change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.69.6.1102
  • Aron, A., & Westbay, L. (1996). Dimensions of the Prototype of Love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.3.535
  • Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
  • Sprecher, S., Aron, A., & Aron, E. (1988). Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction. Contemporary Sociology. https://doi.org/10.2307/2070652